Context
Isaiah 64:6
We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.
A little of my life
I am fairly busy is a little understatement… I look after our home, our animals, parents, extended loved ones, run my own business, try to exercise and am doing my Masters alongside a couple of other things in the day. I think I am doing okay. My dad certainly thinks so, reminding me every day “not to succeed, but to exceed”. But not really. Let’s put amazing into context and reality. My own perception of myself came humbly tumbling down.
I realized that I had no power when my grandmother died. Naively and utterly foolishly, I thought that if I was with her and guided her, I could stop her from dying. That was before I was a believer and before I knew I had no authority over life at any level.
Neither encouragement nor state of mind will thwart the will of the Lord.
My Pollution
Fastrack a couple of decades, Jesus Christ is my personal Saviour and I know the sovereignty of the Lord. But he has much work to do in me. On a sub conscious level, I still hold to my own superiority. I make things happen, I trust others very little and had faith in my own abilities, giving every second of the day my worth.
After a week at the vet, our cat was diagnosed with diabetes. On the first day home after she had her insulin shot, she would not eat. So, after a painstaking two-hour stint of syringe feeding her, she was restored. She was like a wilted plant that had just been watered. I “saved” her! For now… I was humbled when just a few days later, she again would not eat. In my arrogance of the hero of the home, I thought I have got this and resolved to do what I know how. I did my trick, but this time she would not respond and died the next day. I was not in fact capable of saving her either a week before or at that juncture. This reality did not resonate in my heart just yet. The Lord saw it fit to inculcate the truth into my heart that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away (Job 1:21).
Still recovering from this loss, the very next day I was truly humbled. We had a cocker spaniel who had selected me as the person in our family that she would protect and direct all her love. She was utterly devoted. She would not even allow my husband to come near me if she was at my feet. My daughter in fact pointed out that she would just sit and stare at me. As I think and reflect on this, the tears are running down my face. Unfortunately, in her last months, she became paralyzed in her hind legs, but I would take on the “hero” role. Largely, I always fed her, picked her up, did “doggy physio” every day, woke up in the night for her and encouraged her. I knew the end was nigh and in my pride I had private thoughts of what a good person I am. The Lord would show me that my works are indeed like a polluted garment. He alone knows my impatience, my weakness, my fatigue and my state of depletion. The fateful morning, she called me to pick her up while I was walking down the driveway and greeting my husband. In my brokenness, I thought she can wait a bit while I pick off the dead roses. I picked her up and she had—as she does every morning—wet herself. I carried her to the swimming pool as I do most mornings and let her have a swim. The water was warm and she has always enjoyed swimming. I left her there while I washed her bed and she was enjoying the water. I turned my back to get the towel. Literally a few seconds on my return and she was struggling. I picked her out of the water and shouted out to God with all that my voice could summon to please help me. “Not like this, please save her and help me.” I am not the hero. I was powerless and my beloved dog died in my arms.
The tears wont stop because I realized I failed her. I am not amazing. I cannot save and my creatureliness is magnified.
Glorio Deo “Glory be to God”
Jesus, on the other hand, went to the cross to save. He never failed. He never had a wicked thought and he saves fully. God tells us that all things work together for the good of those who love him, but this horrendous image of my frailty and brokenness has crumbled me. I love my God so I want to be faithful and I have realized that I am so utterly dependent on him and there is nothing in me, other than my life as a polluted garment. He is sovereign! He is holy. He alone saves. In his providence, he has shown me my absolute dependence on him. To him be all the glory for he is so faithful and we are not. Great is thy faithfulness my beautiful beloved God!
