My name means Love in any African language. I guess I was my parents love when I was born. I grew up in a home with both parents but I felt the love of one parent. I don't know when I vowed that I'd do better than my parents but I guess all African kids want to do better than their parents (not just material things, I've had this conversation with friends).
I would say it was a fairly normal upbringing; we had all the educational toys our parents thought we needed, attended the best private schools ( top 10 in SA) and lived in a safe neighborhood.
I had everything one could ask for but 'love'. After turning 18 and attending university, I stopped going on family trips/ holidays. I have always been independent; in thought too. I didn't hang out with the same group of friends in high school for every lunch break. So in university I found myself a job that paid well. I had two actually - a day job (babysitting) and an evening one (club hostessing, weekends only) without my parents knowledge. I maintained my grades and passed. The jobs were to keep me busy and I would have an excuse for not attending another family event. I hated pretending so I disliked going to these events and pretending I was perfectly content with my life. I never asked why the other parent didnt't love me; I would not ask. I feel it's their issue more than mine. If you don't realise I am not glitter then I won't inform you I am gold.
I have dated and my relationships were long term relationships (2-5 years). I am every mom's dream daughter-in-law, or so I would like to think. I have been asked twice for my hand and both times I declined. I was too young for the first and had just graduated; I didn't see a future with him but he was Mr Right then. The second guy was ten years my senior and we had been seeing each other for less than eight months. He went on to marry someone else, a year and some months after we ended our relationship. These guys were great but I knew I wasn't ready.
I finally met a guy I thought was compatible with me - educationally and financially too. My family adored him, I was the happiest I had been in years. We really complimented each other. He knew and understood me well, we were like twins. We shared similar interests and had mutual friends even though we attended different schools and universities. We shared similar opinions about politics, marriage, culture and religion. Here was a man that loved all of me including flaws. We had plans; discussed these in detail. We were together for two years and five months when he got a call that changed our lives. We were happy and with this job our plans would be happening sooner than we had planned.
He moved to another city, I was meant to follow at the end of the month but I got a job offer too in the opposite direction. Distance was not new to us; our first year we lived apart in different cities. I didn't think he would have a problem but three months into his job his plans for us changed. Suddenly there was no "Us"💔. I took it on the chin like the Lioness that I am and threw myself in my work; the only constant I had in my life. I was mad about the plans and that I wasn't getting back that time I invested in him. As women we all hear our biological clock ticking, I was turning 31 this year and our plans were to get married when I was 32 and have children then so we could travel and do all sorts of other things. Our parents had begged us for grandchildren too so we had babysitters ready.
There are horse whisperers but I am a child whisperer if there is such. I get along with children. I am a Sunday school teacher; I really enjoy spending time with children. I was on Facebook when I came across an egg donation service but I wasn't ready after my heartbreak. I had donated in 2010, I knew how the process worked. I had thought about it while I was in the relationship but didn't want to rock the boat or do it behind his back. The relationship had ended and I didn't have any excuse. I knew I wanted someone else to experience the joy that children bring if I couldn't. I stalled even then thinking he'd come back after a few months. Time went by and I realised I have to do this for myself and my blessed recipients. Also I believe thoughts and dreams are messages so I believed God wanted me to do this. I was doing good, no harm would come out of this. I contacted baby2mom in March. I was ready to donate, I felt really good about my decision. I love helping people. I had done the research and was familiar with the process. My friends and sister supported the decision. It was a wonderful experience, I don't dwell on it too much but I donated in August. I am happily single and wondering what the future holds for me. Maybe children aren't in my near future but that doesn't mean I can't assist someone in achieving their goal, feel and experience the love that's evaded me.
I pray for my recipients and their family; I may not know them but I hope they are blessed. I believe I will leave this earth one day better than I found it. I see myself as a catalyst in this family's life and I now understand why I am 'Love'.