As appearing in the Gay Pages Summer 2012
I’m an openly gay man who’s a single dad-to-be without denying my alternative sexual identity, not even a runner up in the cosmetics and money competitions out there. I’ve done my fair share of footloose and partying in my twenties, the being young, free, single and gay was hardly tortuous. Marching to my own beat and following my heart and maturing only by making every mistake there is to make, the intimidating biological clock’s ticking-sound became a bit more noticeable.
After the chase and achievement of success and reaching an emotional-matured level in life I made a conscious decision to give the personal slice of the life pie attention. I use to be satisfied with my business, houses, cars and pets; that changes when you notice that your partner or future partner will fill an empty space only up to a certain point and you’re legacy will vaporise as there’s no being with the same look in his/her eyes, similar mouth or special unnoticeable flaw!
Having been on a rocky road of trial and error relationships, and not settled by the age of 29, I made a decision which I kept to myself for a while, wondered how it would be raising children of my own in this world and share life with a part of myself. My approach has always been "I need a partner to help and assist me through a delicate and big process like this”, only to realise that I can do it on my own being reminded by the Biological clock’s ticks. If the right partner walks into my life, wanting to share love, knowing that he’s walking into a family situation and willing to share the process of raising a child or children, being stable in life and have high endurance levels as children can put strain on a relationship, it might be the "mr right” everyone is talking about. There’s a small percentage gay guys who’s up for a life-time commitment and challenge raising kids.
Having piercings and tattoos, sitting in front of the attorney who’s representing my high-court surrogacy application’s desk, with a mind running a 3 camp marathon, having the "he might judge me” thoughts, I realised that if random couples with Tarzan and Jane looks can get through this process, so can I. Being conditioned not to take note of a stare or a whisper behind a hand, only hearing the "s” and the "g” in "He’s gay”, I could ask myself the question "Who’s to judge?” after being confronted and spending a lot of time with the conservative surrogacy psychologist who uttered the words: "Jacques, you are going to be such a good, wise, cool and fun dad”. Its every human being’s right to become a parent provided you do your best for the immense gift granted.
It’s the natural course of life for a human being to reproduce and create a replica of a combination of two people loving each other being brought into life to fulfil and complete the cycle that’s supposed to be "natural”. Having alternative sexual preferences and not being able to follow the natural process of a pregnancy I had new opportunities to explore, including adoption and surrogacy. I approached Jenny from Baby2Mom Egg Donation Agency, who gave me guidelines of the surrogacy process I was not familiar with at that stage and made my choice: I decided to reproduce where my sperm is used to fertilise an anonymous Egg Donor’s Eggs (which is a very interesting process and adventure on its own where you can browse through hundreds of profiles choosing the physical and emotional traits to combine with your own, where answered questionnaires, interviews, childhood and look-alike adult photos of the Egg Donor are provided). The fertility clinic then harvest eggs from the Egg Donor, where two fertilised embryos are transferred into the womb of the surrogate mother (IVF) who will carry the child/children for the duration of the pregnancy until birth.
I realised that this decision will be one that changes my life on all levels. Being an adventurous, outdoor and extreme-sport junky, I had to give up my favourite sport and hobby, skydiving, as I see every adrenalin-fix, jumping out of an aeroplane at 11000ft as a very selfish "fix” with a heart-beat in a surrogate mothers womb as the word "extreme” in extreme sport has no subtle energy to it. The shopping for baby clothes and accessories and trying to educate yourself by reading and asking questions on parenting skills is just as good as an adrenalin-fix when you start stocking up on nappies looking nice and organised, having a baby-powder smell to it, not realising the purpose until its actually being used.
As I’m a single gay dad-to-be, the process has been very emotional. We are human, wanting to share good news and miracles. So know, if you choose this road as a single parent, you will be like an extreme sport fanatic, enjoying river rafting, knowing that it’s a bumpy stream you taking on.
The right frame of mind being in when making the choice of becoming a parent is to be rational, conscious and not living life through the use of the auto-pilot-function but rather prioritise and strategise your approach to different areas of life making the best decision you can where you’re at in that moment of time.
Do you want kids? "Maybe’s” are not allowed. It’s a "yes” or "no”. "All good things take time”. This was my lesson; rambling (that’s what it felt like during the bumpy road, but today the exact opposite). Believe in your dream. Give it time… We cannot connect any form or source of time to a blessing. Everything in life comes at the time that’s right for each individual: our emotional and overall-stability, taking on such a big responsibility and sacred contract that cannot be declared null and void in this lifetime between yourself and a special being(s) awarded to you and/or your family!